Bing! in City Year is supposed to reflect a revelation of some kind. I had this revelation talking to my family about the fact that I was already struggling with my attitude towards working at the school. I felt that my experience during the few days I spent at the school the month of September were divided into small moments. Before this past week the bad moments in the classroom outweighed the positive ones. I was overwhelmed by the prospect of feeling this way for the next 10 months. Talking with my family, I had a Bing! moment.
It is up to me to tip the scale in the positive direction. I believe we have that conscious power, so I tried it. Monday morning I kept repeating to myself that, no matter what, I would have an "excellent day". I did. Every day I had an excellent day.
I truly reveled in the positive moments. The negative downers were still there, in fact, there was one very down moment during the course of one day, but still, by the end I felt like the negative moments held little consequence for me. For example, I was given a small group to work with in filling out their study guide for a test they were to have on Friday. This group consisted of the students that struggle the most in the class. I started out with 6 kids and ended with 3. During the course of the 45 minutes I was with the whole group the teacher kept stopping the class to say that it was too loud, especially my group in the corner. When I was focused on helping one kid on a question, the others would start talking about shoes. I tried incorporating everyone in answering people's questions, but most kids had no recollection of the book we just finished reading in class, so they weren't much help to each other. 3 kids got so frustrated that I could not focus individually on them that they up and left. I didn't even try to stop them, knowing that it was a lost battle. (I am now very deliberate on what I choose to take up with the kids.)
I was supposed to have my own group with the second class we work with after lunch, but that didn't happen. The first was not a great success. I told my teammates this story, and they expressed their condolences, but that was not what I was looking for. I viewed that experience comically. So far I feel that I have been effective in floating around the class working with individuals, but I am definitely going to have to work on my capacity to work with a group. I am not discouraged, because I know it will take time and I already have ideas that I need to share with my teachers on what I can improve.
I have not had to consciously twist all my negative stories into comedies in order to feel good about this week. I have also had overwhelmingly good experiences too. One kid in my class, Lance, is always in trouble. He is always shouting out, saying rude and disrespectful things. Whenever I went up to him he would groan and mutter mean things about me "under his breath" (although it was all sufficiently loud to be understood). One day I asked him why he always groaned and said mean things to me, and I said it in a joking-"I will keep checking in on you kind of voice", and he just smiled to himself and turned away. On Thursday he was in the group described in the previous paragraphs, and although he saw his classmates freely leaving the group, he stayed, and seemed to want (although he did not actively seek) my assistance.
Also we have been running the after school program for the first time this week, and there is one kid in my teammate, Jeff's, class who apparently is the biggest negative influence in the class. I have made a really strong connection with him some how in after school. On Thursday he stayed behind after kids had gone down to snack, and when I suggested that he join them, he said he wanted to wait for me.
The smallest things weigh the most for me right now.
