My schedule was simple in Kenya. Teach, plan the lesson, eat, read, and run. I cannot remember ever feeling unproductive. Everything I did was for some specific result, whether to stay in shape, finish a book, or prepare myself for the upcoming class. The possibility of sitting around with nothing to contribute to both community and self was not on the radar. Even when I was physically doing nothing, I was meditating. It was impossible to have a blank screen with my subconscious constantly adjusting to my surroundings.
I returned home about a month ago. In that time I have managed to put on weight, watch episodes of Gilmore Girls I have already seen at least three times, and generally wonder what I did at the end of the day. Lack of meaningful activity leaves one with the sense of lethargy and malcontent and in response; I have tried to establish clear goals to fruitfully occupy my time. I have started working a few shifts at Jeni’s a week, I babysit once a week, and I am determined to contribute to progress on the house. However, I am still answering to the call of the Gilmore Girls like an addiction and taking “quick” peaks at my facebook page. I believe these mundane occupations account for more of my time than I am comfortable acknowledging. I am constantly striving for productivity and consistently falling short.
While I am still working on changing the unfortunate aspects of my life above, I am doing one thing fulfilling to counterbalance. Kate and I have established a basketball routine over the past couple of weeks in which we play one-on-one before she goes to school three days a week. In order to do this we must wake up at 6 am and be out the door by 6:15 which gives us enough time to play for about 45 minutes. The reason I love doing this is that is does not directly benefit me; it is external. I have continued to play even when I would really rather sleep in or stop due to back pain and exhaustion. It’s when I persevere for something greater than that moment of legitimate reasons for me to quit that I feel like a true contributor. I suppose these feelings I am having are just part of the challenge in life: how to maximize our time here. And whether we succeed must depend on our honesty and determination, because I know that I am not going to turn around tomorrow and all of a sudden start working effortlessly for the cause of others. I may never fully succeed in that endeavor but I cannot allow myself to become discouraged by my own shortcomings.
